


Why Can't She Move On?

by raggedy_girl13



Category: Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, Panic Attack, Whump, anxiety attack, does this count as whump?, first fic so go easy on me
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-12
Updated: 2018-11-12
Packaged: 2019-08-22 10:17:13
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,942
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16595957
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/raggedy_girl13/pseuds/raggedy_girl13
Summary: The Doctor is new. She likes to focus on this, she is new and this is a new life. In some ways it makes sense for her to separate this life from her many previous ones. This is, after all, the first time the Doctor has ever been a woman. It is her first regeneration in her new regeneration cycle. She even has a shiny new gang (Team? Fam?) of humans to ramble and show off to, and show the many wonders of the universe to. She finally has a chance to put all the hurt behind her. So why can’t she?





	Why Can't She Move On?

The Doctor is new. She likes to focus on this, she is new and this is a new life. In some ways it makes sense for her to separate this life from her many previous ones. This is, after all, the first time the Doctor has ever been a woman. It is her first regeneration in her new regeneration cycle. She even has a shiny new gang (Team? Fam?) of humans to ramble and show off to, and show the many wonders of the universe to. She finally has a chance to put all the hurt behind her. So why can’t she?

Despite her determination to treat her new life as a fresh start, thoughts of her past often creep in and knock her off balance. Maybe it’s a sarcastic remark from Ryan that is reminiscent of something Donna Noble would have said, maybe Graham’s cautious attitude similar to that of Rory the Roman, or Yaz’s bravery and determination reminding her of Martha Jones. The people she has loved and lost.

Many would tell her that it is perfectly natural, it’s not like she can wipe herself of her millennia worth of memories and knowledge, but she considers it an extremely frustrating conundrum that she wishes she could think her way out of. Unfortunately in this particular situation, it’s the thinking that is the problem.

For the most part, she likes to think she is doing pretty well at ignoring all of the thoughts and feelings that regularly attack her. She goes from adventure to adventure, never in one place for too long, never sitting still. Not that she can sit still anyway; her brain is constantly in overdrive. She is usually just fine. 

She was running towards the TARDIS, Yaz, Ryan and Graham alongside her. She had tried to show them an uninhabited planet, thinking after the many recent near death experiences they deserved a quiet(er) day but apparently the universe had other plans. The planet was, in fact, not uninhabited, but native to a tribe of rather angry aliens that apparently did not take well to trespassers on their land and were now chasing the Doctor and her friends with guns.

The Doctor could make out the outline of her beloved blue box, they were almost there. Panting heavily, the gang continued to run for their lives until a sharp cry rang through the air. Yaz had been hit. The Doctor ran back and helped her struggling friend continue on to the safety of the TARDIS. Even in the intense situation they were currently under, the Doctor began to feel the beginnings of intense fear and guilt for putting Yaz in such a situation.

Ryan and Graham barrelled through the TARDIS’s wooden door and collapsed on the floor, breathing heavily and sighing with relief. The Doctor and Yaz arrived a few moments later, Yaz holding on to her left side with her hand.

“YAZ!” the Doctor exclaimed with intense worry and panic shining in her hazel eyes. “Are you alright? I’m so sorry Yaz this should never have happened”. Her voice was thick with pent up emotion as she tried to assess Yaz’s condition.

Yaz took a few moments to catch her breath before replying, time in which the Doctor’s breathing began to grow quicker as her anxiety increased.

“I’m alright Doctor, it just grazed my side, see?” Yaz lifted her top to show that it was in fact only a cut. A relatively deep one that would most definitely need stitches, but a cut all the same. Her life was in no danger.

But the Doctor was panicking now, her mind somewhere else entirely. She thought of her many previous companions, Rose Tyler trapped in a parallel world, Martha Jones turned into a soldier, Donna Noble’s memory wiped, Amy and Rory killed by the weeping angels, Clara can’t remember her, Bill a space puddle with her space puddle girlfriend. With a track record like hers it was difficult for her not to feel like she was a virus, destroying everything she touched.

She likes to think about the good times, the many good times. But sometimes her thoughts start to spiral to the point of no return. It’s the guilt that destroys her the most, tearing through her mercilessly. It was all her fault. Everyone she had ever known, she had lost. And she couldn’t bear to lose anyone else, not like that.

“Hey Doc, you don’t look so good,” Graham commented, unsure of how to deal with the clearly panicking alien beginning to hyperventilate on the floor next to him. He got no response from the Time Lord as tears began to fill her eyes.

Yaz grabbed the Doctor’s hand and felt the rapid pulse on her wrist, alarmed as her police required medical training allowed her to know a panic attack when she saw one.  
“Hey, look at me Doctor,” she said, trying desperately to make the Time Lord make eye contact with her, “Look at me it’s OK, you’re OK, you’re with me, Ryan and Graham, we’re in the TARDIS. Calm down, Doctor.”

“TARDIS” the Doctor mumbled, looking around her as she tried to make sense of her slightly blurry surroundings.

“Yes, TARDIS Doctor, everyone is safe nobody was hurt, alright?” Yaz continued to try and comfort the Doctor as Ryan and Graham worriedly watched, unused to seeing their normally eccentric and bubbly friend so upset. It confused them as they had faced much worse dangers than this, why would this send her into a panic attack?

Yaz pulled the Doctor next to her, allowing her to feel her breathing in the embrace. 

“Just breathe with me Doctor, can you do that? Just follow my breathing you’ll be fine.” The Doctor’s extremely rapid heartbeats from her two hearts worried Yaz greatly as the Doctor struggled to slow her breathing against her. 

It took some time, but eventually the Doctor’s breathing had calmed down and she pulled away from Yaz and stared at the floor. She was unused to displaying such intense vulnerability in front of people, and was now beginning to feel embarrassed and overwhelmed. 

“I’m sorry,” she murmured quietly, barely audible.

“You have nothing to apologise for,” Ryan was quick to assure her, “It used to happen to me all the time, my Nan always told me it was nothing to be ashamed of.”

The Doctor cracked a small smile in gratitude but was still struggling to come to terms with the fact that she’d had a panic attack in front of people. On the rare time that she had them, she tended to simply run off to her bedroom and ride it out there. It took longer that way of course, but to her it seemed better than letting her new friends see such a display of weakness.

The Doctor pulled a small first aid kit from under the console and treated Yaz’s wound, no one said a word.

An awkward silence hung in the air before the Doctor suddenly jumped up, apparently finished.

“Alright, well, I’m sure you’ll all agree it’s been a really long day, “the Doctor laughed weakly, dragging out the word really in her typical dramatic fashion, “its best we all head to bed, eh?”

Before the others had a chance to protest or ask her any more questions, the Doctor was running off down the corridor leaving Yaz, Ryan and Graham in stunned silence.

“Should somebody talk to her?” Ryan started slowly “I mean she can’t have just had a panic attack for no reason.”

Graham nodded in agreement, “Yeah, I know she normally does all of the rescuing, but maybe someone should rescue her for a change.”

“I’ll go talk to her” Yaz said simply, overcome with worry for the woman who was quickly becoming her best friend.

Although, of course, she had no idea where anything was on this damn ship. She remembered that the Doctor would often say things to the ship and get a whirr or flash of lights in response. Feeling absolutely ridiculous but desperate, she quietly whispered “Hello… I think the Doctor might need some help right about now, would you be able to show me where she went?”

After a moment of nothing happening Yaz decided that she had finally gone crazy, until a light began to flash ahead of her. She walked towards it and when she reached it another light further ahead started flashing. She followed them until at last she reached what she assumed was the Doctor’s bedroom door as no more lights flashed.

“Thank you,” Yaz said with a small smile, almost unable to believe she was actually talking to a spaceship.

She knocked on the door timidly, suddenly very nervous. She didn’t want to pry and make the Doctor angry at her, but it would feel wrong to leave her friend when she had displayed such worrying behaviour. After several long moments of waiting in suspense, Yaz was about to knock again when she heard the Doctor’s voice, “Come in.”

And so Yaz opened the door to see the Doctor sitting at the end of her bed, eyes red as though she had been crying. Yaz’s heart panged at the thought of her friend crying.

“Are you alright, Doctor?” Yaz asked carefully, sitting next to the Doctor on the bed and putting an arm around her. She half expected the Doctor to shy away from the contact but instead she moved even closer.

“’Course I’m ok, I’m the King of OK!” the Doctor proclaimed with a large fake smile, “Well... the Queen of OK now I suppose. Still can't get used to that.”

Yaz sighed, “Doctor, I know you’re not OK, you don’t have to worry about sharing with me I won’t judge you. You’ve consoled me loads of times it’s only fair of you to let me do the same for you.”

The Doctor thought on this, weighing the pros and cons in her head before giving in. Why is this body so much more open than the others? She used to be brilliant at hiding her feelings.

She began timidly, “I dunno, I guess I just got a little worried when I saw you were hurt is all. I- I just…” the Doctor struggled with the words as she became emotional again, another problem with this new body of hers she thought as her eyes became glassy. 

“I’ve lost so many people, I don’t wanna lose you Yaz,” she said quickly, as if ripping off a Band-Aid.

Yaz rubbed the Doctor’s arm to comfort her, knowing that her friend was thousands of years old and how much loss she must have suffered. They sat for a moment in comfortable silence, the Doctor relieved to get these things off her chest.

“Do you experience anxiety a lot, Doctor?” Yaz asked patiently.

The Doctor took a moment to think about her answer before replying.

“I never used to, at least not a lot. My previous selves were never the anxious types really but they had their own issues.”

Yaz always found it a little disconcerting when the Doctor talked about being other people, finding it difficult to imagine her any other way than she is now, but she took it in her stride and allowed the Doctor to let her feelings out knowing how little she allows herself to do so.

“I don’t know,” the Doctor sighed a little in frustration, “It’s really annoying, I wish it would just stop.”

“Anxiety doesn’t just go away, Doctor, especially with the kind of life you lead. But it can be helped.”

“Will you help me, Yaz?”

“Always, Doctor.”

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading my very first Doctor Who fic! I think that's the most I've ever written in one go, I really went off on one. If you liked it kudos/comments are greatly appreciated. My tumblr is @raggedy-girl if you want to check that out too but it's pretty new as well, I've not really done much yet.  
> Oh and P.S. this was not proof read because I have no patience so sorry if there are a few mistakes but I looked over it briefly it shouldn't be too bad.  
> -Maxi


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